Norton Ghost 2003
new claims for an old favourite..
Host [Andy]: Good evening and welcome to Stake Your Claim. First we have with us Mr. Schultz, who claims he wrote all of Shakespeare's works.
Gameshow TAFE dude makes outrageous claims regarding Norton Ghost!
Mr. Schultz: That's correct. I wrote all his plays, and my wife and I wrote his sonnets.
Andy: Mr. Schultz, these plays are known to have been performed in the early 17th century. How old are you?
Mr. Schultz: 43.
Andy: Well, how could you have written plays performed over 300 years before you were born?
Mr. Schultz: That is where my claim falls down.
Mr. Schultz: There's no way of answering that argument. I was hoping you wouldn't make that point. But you're more than a match for me.
Andy: Thank you for coming along.
Mr. Schultz: My pleasure.
Andy: Next we have Mr. Tantari who claims..just what is your claim Mr. Tantari? That you can burrow through an elephant perhaps?
Mr. Tantari: Er, no, just call me John
Andy: OK John what great contribution to the edification of humankind's vast body of knowledge are you claiming this evening?
John: Erm, well my claim is that I can use Norton Ghost to image partitions and copy the ghost image file to an NTFS partition afterwards.
John: Yep, Ghost 2003 will access NTFS partitions.
Andy: Ah, I see [leers at audience in a 'we've got a right one here' kind of look]. And could you please explain to members of the audience who might not be in possession of your enormous computer intellect, just what this means?
John [turns slightly to face the audience, looking a bit self-conscious]: Ahem..well, I..
Andy: Yes come along, out with it, brave man John..
John: Well I was fixing my mate's PC the other night and I ghosted his primary partition to an image on the logical drive in the extended partition and, well I'm pretty sure about this..that the logical drive was formatted as NTFS.
[Audience falls silent; John shuffles uncomfortably and adjusts his baseball cap]
Andy: Oh I see [grinning maniacally], you're claiming that Norton Ghost, and correct me if I'm wrong here John because we're obviously not as clever as you are, I mean I only teach this stuff; you're claiming that Ghost can actually see as in write to Windows NTFS partitions..
John: Erm yeah. I did it on me mate's computer..
Andy: Right. And I suppose you did all this after booting from a FAT32/DOS7 boot disk? [winks at audience]
Andy: Of course. Sacrificed a few chickens beforehand did you? Bit of eye of newt, toe of frog, dancing around a cauldron? [grinning at audience, Andy's on a roll here..]
John: No, no chickens, just a boot disk.
Andy: Ah I see, I get the picture. So even though everybody knows that when you ghost a drive you need a FAT 16 or 32 partition, or a CD burner, or a network share to write to, I mean this is standard knowledge here John, you're still claiming that Ghost will actually write an image to NTFS?
John [not quite so sure of himself now]: Erm, yep. Yep I'm pretty sure it was NTFS.
Andy: Not a FAT32 partition sitting alongside Windows NTFS drives..?
Andy: Are you lying?
John: It's the God's honest truth I tell yer..
Andy: Jolly good John. Splendid, splendid, now if you'd just like to step over here, we have an ambulance waiting by and some very nice people who can take care of you. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Tantari!.
John [in a little quiet voice, big brown eyes glistening in the studio lights]: But it's true.
[Some bloke in the audience, called Paul]: Yeah right John, I dunno what you been smokin' mate but I'll have some! [laughs hysterically and is joined by other members of the audience]
Andy: Marvellous! Well John I don't think anyone believes you. You'll be telling us next that Ghost can see an image on an NTFS partition.. [chuckles indulgently]
John: Yep I can do that too. Honest
Andy: Ha-haaa! I see. [suddenly turning serious] Look John, you do know who the teacher is here don't you
John: Yes it's you, Andy, but it is true.
Andy: So what are you after my job or something?
John: No, no, I..
Andy: Think you know better than me!?
John: I didn't mean..
Andy: Alright! Alright! Well let's see then shall we? Hmm? Karl, bring on the PC if you please..
[semi-quasimodo henchman type assistant rolls a PC sitting on a rusty trolley onto stage]
Andy: Thank-you Karl. Right then Mr I-know-better-than-everyone-else Tantari, time to call your bluff old chap. Haha, didn't expect this did you? Well if you will insist on going around making outrageous claims about well-established truths you're gonna get caught out sooner or later, eh. So, here's a PC with three NTFS partitions, one of which contains a primary with Windows XP on it. Come on then John, con-found us with your knowledge. Show us what a great person you are.
John: Well I er, haven't got a disk with me..
Andy: He hasn't got a disk with him ladeez and gentlemen!
John: I din't think I'd be needing it.
[audience laughs hysterically]
[Paul bloke again in audience]: Heyar John you can use mine [snort] it's bootable and it's got Ghost 2003 on it.
[Paul flings floppy disk across the theatre kung fu style, whacking John clean in the middle of the forehead; audience absolutely pisses themselves]
John [picking himself up off stage and rubbing his forehead]: Oh right, thanks.
[John boots the PC up to the floppy while Andy adjusts the overhead projector, giving the audience a clean view of the screen]
John: I may have to make a few adjustments first..
[cue slow drum roll]
John: I'm starting Ghost now.
[gathered throng falls silent; someone in audience utters a nervous titter..]
John: Right, local partition to image-
Andy: -And naturally there's no....shite!
[John clicks and reveals two partitions aptly named NTFS2 and NTFS3, ready and waiting to receive the ghost image]
John: ..And afterwards I can go local partition from image and I can actually browse the NTFS tree for the image files
[Andy collapses in a faint and is dragged off quickly by semi-quasimodo creature; he is last seen being bundled into an ambulance-like van, curiously labelled 'Launceston Knackers Yard']
[producer quickly runs onto stage]
Producer: And there you have it ladies and gentlemen, Mr John Tantari and His Amazing er, Spectre thing!
[audience applauds wildly in a standing ovation; John takes a bow, audience quietens to listen]
John: I didn't want to be a computer genius. No...
[takes off his baseball cap and throws down his jacket]
I wanted to be a lumberjack. Yes a lumberjack, leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of the South Tyrol. The giant redwood, the larch, the fir, the mighty Scots pine. The smell of fresh cut timber. The crash of the mighty trees. With my best girl by my side! And we'd sing, sing, sing...
PS thanks to Monty Python for inspiration.
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