Doin' The Gigabit
by Cletus

OK, I've got a confession to make and it, it don't make me
proud to say it. Well..I-I've gone an' let one o' them new
fangled Gigah-bit switches into my home, yessiree I have.
I have opened wide the door to temptation an' said, "Lord,
strike me down if you will, but I'm just about gonna soil my own
trousers if I don' get my hands on some o' that nice new shiny
Gigah-bit technology soon, so help me.."

Now I know what some o' you are thinkin', you're thinkin' "What the hell's
this boy doin' talkin' t'us TAFE kids about them compootin' things for.
He's jus' one o' them goddamn shitferbrains carrot crunchers who works
down at the station shashearin' the sheep." Well lemme tell ya, I may look
like I got an IQ the size of an amoeba on tranquillizers, but I wuz runnin' them compoiter netwoiks when somma you young boyz wuz still jus' a sperm in yer daddy's pocket, so y'all'd better listen up y'hear. Goddamn townies..

First thing ya gotta do is get some o' them Gigah-bit netwoik cards which are also known as knicks. There's that place when ya go inter town that sells 'em, PC Connection I think they call it, full o' them clean cut, soft skinned nancy boy types who nevah saw as hard day's work between 'em, I reckon. Well, they may be a bunch o' queer lookin' roosters but they always seem keen t'help, an' I came away with a coupla them new fangled Excel cards, 'Gigah-bit Ethernet 'Dapter it sez on the box. Thirty five bucks each and the telephone number o' the blondie on the front desk, so I got two..

 a pair of brand new netwoik cards..

Next thing ya need is some wirin' to connect the cards to the switchy..shit..the switchy. Y'all gonna need a switchy. A switchy is a little boxy kinda thing with holes in the side where ya put the That's it. Ya put the cables in the side o' the switchy thing - and make sure you buy a gigah-bit one. The other end o' the cable yah plug intuh the compooters, in the back. I got my switchy mail order from Harris Technology ( but don' click on that there, 'cos it ain't a hyperh-link, heh I did it in blue but I'm just f***ing wich ya. I wan' you t'stay on my page an' keep readin' this high tech-noh-logy stuff see.

My switchy is a Netgear GS108 which is a bit like my hub which is a Netgear DS108. The G stands for Giguh-bit. The D stands't know. I like the Netgear stuff 'cos it's pretty. Not pretty in the same was as those pretty little lambsies down at the station, no no, but a nice shade of blue with all o' them little LEDs flashin' all over the place. Why I even mount them, one on toppa the other jus' for fun, jus' like - oh never mind.. The GS108's got 8 o' them little holes down in the side. They're called ports an' you can plug the wires, er cables into them t' make the compooters talk t'one another. So here's a summary so far for all ya dipshits who haven't been payin' attention..
  • Excel Giguh-bit Ethernet Adapter x 2 = $70.00
  • Netgear 8 port switch (pretty) x 1 = $240.00
  • Cat5E Ethuh-net cables x 2m x 2 = $12.00
So yer can see that a Gigah-bit netwoik b'aint gonna cost ya an arm or a leg, although I must admit I gotta do a few favours down on my knees at the parish for a few Sundays for quite some time, but it's all worth it when ya see them little numbers flyin' past on the screen. I built my netwoik for just over 300 green ones and you can too.

Go to Active Electronics for your cables 'cos they're such funny guys an' you can go next door to Domino's pizza afterwards and try and pull some totty. Man them there cute little pizza girls give me such a boner. Where was I, oh yeah I wuz talkin' to the hilarious blokes in Active and they wuz sayin' that they got no call for Cat6 Ethuh-net patch cables, 'cause I asked 'em, an' they said the Cat5E - E for enhanced - runs at 300MHz whatever that means and should do Giguh-bit OK. So that's where I got my cables. Domino's was all locked up.

The Installation

So this brings us to the installation part of thuh show. Installin' the switchy ain't too bad 'cos you just plug it in an' switch it on, but to install the Ethuh-net cards you gotta crack open the lid of th' pee-see and that gives some folk the willies. I remember when I was a young fellah an' I was fixin' the pee-see for my Aunt Cleetoris and she just sat there watchin' me with those beedy blue eyes, "You're such a good boy, Nephew Cletus," she'd say, "Just like your late gran'pappy. He could fix anything.." which was true. Gran' pappy had this pair of enormous hands and folk often used t' remark on it. "That's OK Aunt Cleet", I'd say, "My hands ain't as big and as strong as gran'pappy's, but I sure know what to do with 'em when it comes to th' pee-cees.." I'd always be invited t'stay over and fix up a few more things.

Anyways so my pee-cee had on board Ethuh-net, but it's only 10/100 so I disabled that in thuh BIOS and plugged in the new netwoik card. The second pee-see had a 10/100 Ethuh-net card installed aready, so I removed it from thuh PCI slot and plugged the second Giguh-bit netwoik card (jeez, I'm startin' t'sound like I come from Brooklyn, NY ) and booted them up. I use Windy's XP on my pee-sees at home.

The XP stands for eXtra Protein which was always important when I wuz growin' up. "Always get yer proteen," my ma would say. Cause we worked on a farm there was always plenty of proteen everywhere and my mum always used to have that healthy outdoors look, windswept and flushed due, she said, to the all the "extra protein" she was gettin' around the farm. Now one thing I like about XP is that you can just plug in stuff and it notices something's new and asks for the droiver, like here..

a new netwoik card is found..

I don't rightly know why you get a list of 6 Ethuh-net cards which are all the same anyway, but I'm sure Microh-soft know what they're doin'. Clever blokes them that work there. Wouldn't do anythin' without a reason I'm sure. Click CONTINUE even tho' the driver's not been signed by Microh-soft (that's probably just another scam they've got goin' t'get more money outa the hardware manufacturers) and soon you've got yourself a nice Giguh-bit connection..


- A.

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