Wayward humour for your delectation and amusement..
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an AandE. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. Itís a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for a Government targets task force."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurseís file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! Youíve been admitted to heaven - for five days!"
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
A nursing assistant, staff nurse, and a ward sister from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady with flowers in her hair and wearing large polished stoned jewellery.
"I am ĎGina the Greatí," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!" With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The staff nurse went next."I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts." With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The ward sister said," I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."
"Doctors at a London hospital have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctorsí demands are as soon as they can get a nurse over there to read the picket signs!"
Doctor's round in the morning..
In the first bed:
Doctor: What's his diagnosis?
Doctor: How do you treat this case of haemorrhoids?
Nurse: We paint his anus with iodine.
In the second bed:
Doctor: What's his diagnosis?
Doctor: How do you treat this case of haemorrhoids?
Nurse: We paint his anus with iodine.
In the third bed:
Doctor: What's his diagnosis?
Nurse: Sore throat.
Doctor: How do you treat this case of sore throat?
Nurse: We paint his throat with iodine.
Patient: Actually yes. Can I be the first in line for the iodine treatment?
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than an express train
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Talks with God
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a steam engine
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God if special request is approved
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds
Loses tug-of-war with a train
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Talks with animals
Makes high skid marks on a wall when trying to leap buildings
Can catch a train
Can fire a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Is occasionally addressed by God
Runs into buildings
Is run over by a train
Wets himself with a water pistol
Mumbles to himself
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks trains off the track
Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
The Nurse IS God!!!!
The policeman's appendix..
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadnít told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesnít come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well soon.. from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Dawn French explains the correlation between farts and relationships (from the film, "Love and Other Disasters")
The Memory Test..
Three elderly male psychiatric patients are undergoing a routine memory test. The psychiatrist asks the first man, "What is three times three ?"
"274," is his reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and asks the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three ?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three ?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that ?"
"Simple," he says, "Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "Whatís the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, íItís a very simple operation, donít worry, Iím sure it will be all right.í"
"She was just trying to comfort you, whatís so frightening about that?"
"She wasnít talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
A high flying business man had to spend a couple of days in hospital.
He was a total pain to the nurses because he tried to boss them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who would stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, Iím sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I canít use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the manís doctor comes into the room.
"Whatís going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "Whatís the matter, Doc? Havenít you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
Windows Vs Mac Counselling Session
You know you're a nurse if..
You believe every patient needs TLC: Thioridazine, Lorazepam and Clozapine.
You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.
You believe not all patients are annoying ... some are unconscious.
Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.
You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.
You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.
Almost everything can seem humorous ... eventually.
When asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhoea?", you show them your shoes.
Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.
You carry "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.
You refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and triggers "flash backs."
You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up.
You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse.
Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
You can intubate your friends at parties.
You don't get excited about blood loss ... unless it's your own.
You live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."
You've basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.
You've told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to shout if they need help.
Eating microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.
When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the answer.
You find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery waiting lines.
You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.
You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
You've sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal.
You compliment a complete stranger on his veins.
You find yourself betting on someone's alcohol level.
You know that K-Y jelly is optional.
You call subcutaneous emphysema "Rice Krispies".
You have ever referred to someone's death as a 'transfer to part 3 accomodation'.
You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset.
You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance.
You believe that all bleeding stops ... eventually.
Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
You plan your dinner break whilst lavaging an overdose patient.
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You have the bladder capacity of five people.
You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone who utters the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet isn't it".
Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
You play poker by betting ectopics on ECG strips.
You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control.
Top ten reasons to become a nurse..
1) Pays better then fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
2) Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.
3) Needles: "Tis better to give than receive"
4) Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops...eventually.
5) Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases.
6) Interesting aromas.
7) Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
8) Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
9) Celebrate all the holidays with your friends...at work.
10) Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
Welcome to heaven..
A man dies and goes to Heaven. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates he is told "Welcome to Heaven, everyone is equal here."
The man is then given a tour of Heaven and finds that it is indeed true.
The man decides he's just got to try the food and goes and stands in the cafeteria line.
While waiting, a man in green scrubs goes rushing to the front of the line and gets his food ahead of all the others.
"Hey, I thought everyone is equal here. Why did he push-in line?"
"Oh, him?" says St Peter, "That's God, he thinks he's a surgeon."
A Diagnosis in Doubt..
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The labrador sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650".
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead !" exclaimed the man ....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
An old man and his wife went to see the doctor because the old bloke just wasn't feeling well.
When they told him their complaints, the doctor said, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample."
The old man, who was very deaf turned to his wife and said, "What did he say?"
The old woman looked at him, looked at the doctor and yelled, "Just leave your underpants at reception Harold.."
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy
There are two cows in the same field.
One says to the other, "It's bad news about this BSE isn't it."
The other one repliess, "Not for me mate, I'm a squirrel!"
The doctor, the nurse and a the shredder..
A nurse was leaving the hospital one evening when she found the doctor standing in front of a shredder looking perplexed, with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the doctor "This is important and my assistant has left for the day. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly", said the nurse, happy to help.
She turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
"Excellent! Excellent!" said the doctor as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I need two copies of that.."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse comes in to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Mr. Smith I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, '...there's nothing wrong with them, Mr. Smith!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but please, listen very closely...
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?'
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries..
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home..
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home whilst having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
Patient's fluid intake is good, mostly beer.
"We don't know why, but it seems that men don't get bacterial vaginosis."
In the interests of hygiene, please use tongues when picking up your baked potatoes.
Disorder in the courts..
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of biting their lip to stay calm while these exchanges were taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something! that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he does know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam!?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
Q: What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, practising law somewhere.
A man goes into the health centre to see if his wife's results are back. The Doctor says, 'Well Mr. Evans, I think I've narrowed it down to two different problems. Your wife either has Alzheimers or AIDS'.
The husband is horrified and says,'Oh my God what on earth do I do!?'.
The Doctor says,' Well, drop your wife on the outskirts of town and if she does make it back, for goodness sakes don't sh*g her!'
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Director of Psychiatry became aware of Ednaís heroic act, he considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the news he said "Edna I have good news and bad news. The good news is youíre being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he is dead."
Edna replied, "He didnít hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home..?"
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little paper bag.
'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the doctor, 'But I'll do a blood test and see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days.'
The little paper bag felt no better when he returned for the results.
'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.
'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.
'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' said the little paper bag.
'Have you been having unprotected nookie?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.
'NO, NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual relationship?'
'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor......
'Your mother must have been a carrier'.
Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me", she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up bonking him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see", nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter".
"No!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:
"Well, that's great....that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!"
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?
Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.
Patient: "Nurse, I just swallowed my pillow!"
Nurse: "How do you feel?"
Patient: "A little down in the mouth"
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
How do you save a doctor from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
Nurses vs nuns..
What 's the difference between a nurse and a nun?
A nun only serves one God.
Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
She was taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.
On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is not serious however I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exacty." The doctor then began listing orders:
"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between. Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times. Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."
The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient. The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reveiwing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."
A little 8 year old boy wanted to be circumcised when he realized he looked different than dad and his friends. The day after the procedure he returned to school. During class, he became uncomfortable and asked for permission to go to the nurse.
When he arrived at her office, he hesitated and finally just asked if he could call his mother. Sensing this was personal, the nurse stepped into the hall and closed the door to allow him privacy. Several minutes later the little boy came out of her office and the nurse noticed his penis was sticking out of his pants.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Back to class," said the boy.
"But you can't go back like that!" explained the nurse.
"I have to," stressed the boy. "My mother said that if I could just stick it out until lunchtime, she would come and pick me up."